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This Unnamed Women Is The Summation Of Everything I Wish I was

AAP-

A public servant was “in the course of her employment” when she was injured while having sex in a motel room while on a work trip, a judge has ruled.

He set aside a decision refusing her workers’ compensation for facial and psychological injuries suffered when a glass light fitting came away from the wall above the bed as she was having sex with a male friend in November 2007.

The woman, who cannot be named, was in her late thirties and employed in the human relations section of a commonwealth government agency.

That evening, she met her friend for dinner before they had sex, during which the light fitting was pulled from its mount and fell on her.

In his statement, the man said they were “going hard” and he did not know if they bumped the light or if it “just fell off”.

“I think she was on her back when it happened, but I was not paying attention because we were rolling around.”

The tribunal had found: “The activity was not an ordinary incident of an overnight stay like showering, sleeping, eating, or returning to the place of residence from a social occasion elsewhere in the vicinity.

“Rather she was involved in a recreational activity which her employer had not induced, encouraged or countenanced.”

But Justice Nicholas said the fact that the employer did not encourage her to engage in sexual activity did not mean that it disapproved of her doing so.

If the applicant had been injured while playing a game of cards in her motel room she would have been entitled to compensation, even though it could not be said that her employer induced or encouraged her to engaged in such an activity,” he said.

I love you unnamed woman in her late thirties. If for any reason you ever decide to reveal your name, hit me up, I live at the Oaks Harmony Apartment Complex in Sydney and rarely rip out light fixtures during sex. We could make a great team.

But seriously. I’m in love. This girl is just snaking it until she makes it. Most kids think they’re hot shit skipping classes and sparknoting books for finals and whatnot. I remember telling all my friends how I had an English midterm this past semester on ten books that I had only read five of and how I got a 97 on it. I was ec-fucking-static. I thought I was King Shit. I walked around saying, “Yeah I got a 97 on the test and had no idea what I was talking about, no big deal.” Well this unnamed broad just fucking curb stomped my gay little story. Like, “Yeah bro? You sparknoted some shit? Sounds real cool, my boss is fucking paying me worker’s comp for getting banged out in a motel room.” That’d be like me telling my professor I couldn’t take my English midterm because I burned my finger while lighting my bowl last night, and him turning to me and saying, “Eh, fuck it, I’ll just give you an A.”

And never in the history of my life have I ever seen a bro completely own a news article in two lines. Just laughing and smugly telling a reporter, “We were going pretty hard.” No shit dude, you pulled out a goddamn light fixture. If that’s not an ego booster I don’t know what the hell is. I mean shit I’d be lucky if I could pull out a night light while banging, and this dude is straight ripping light fixtures out of walls injuring women and shit. And then just for good measure he adds the, “She may have been on her back, but I don’t fucking remember.” quote. You know he was trying not to laugh the entire time he was being interviewed. Goddamnit I love everything about this news story.

PS. The only hold up in my marrying my unnamed goddess is this whole “Psychological Injuries” thing. What in the fuck are psychological injuries? Does that mean she’s afraid to bang near light fixtures now? Does she walk into well-lit rooms and lose her shit? Cause my bedroom has like three lamps in it so this might be an issue.

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