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Archive for the month “April, 2012”

Somebody get this kid a fucking Playstation!


An angry four-year-old Saudi boy shot and killed his father for refusing to buy him a PlayStation, Saudi media reported on Monday.
The Asharq daily, citing police in the southern Jizan area, said the child, aged four years and seven months, grabbed his father’s pistol and shot him in the head.
According to the newspaper, the child had asked his father to buy him a PlayStation and the shooting took place after the man returned home without the desired object.
As he was undressing, the man put the weapon down, which the child then grabbed and fired at him from close range.

This kinda turns the whole “Video games will turn kids violent” theory upside down, huh? I mean shit, it looks like video games are the only things keeping kids from being violent sociopaths. Which is exactly why when I have a son I’m gonna give that little bastard every last video game and buy him every new counsel his little heart desires. That way I can put his ass in front of a television for hours at a time without having to actually, you know, parent the kid and I’ll still never have to worry about coming home from work to a .45 pointed at my face. Keep the kids happy and out of Daddy’s hands and keep my head on my shoulders. Seems like a sensible solution.

On a separate note this report is ignoring the most important detail of this story. What kind of a Playstation are we talking about here? I mean sure, if the little shit head was asking for a Playstation 3 I could understand where the father was coming from. That shit’s expensive, and I got to imagine a dude rolling around Saudi Arabia carrying a gun with him everywhere he goes has got bigger shit to worry about than Playstations. But if little Buffalo Bill’s father was refusing to buy him a Playstation 2 or a Playstation 1? I mean shit than I kinda see where the kid is coming from. Honestly bro, how much does an original Playstation cost? Like 25 bucks, maybe? And you’re gonna say no to your little psychotic marksman of a son? Not worth it home boy.

PS. How scared do you think this kid’s mother is to say no to him from now on? Like, “what’s that mommy? I can’t have the new Power Rangers action figures? That’s funny, Daddy once said something like that…” Total power move by this kid. There’s no shot in hell he’s not just swimming in action figures and video games and scooters and all that shit once he gets back from whatever jail there is for murderous 4-year-olds.

Now that’s how you commit to a role


A Brazilian actor playing Judas who accidentally hanged himself during a scene in “The Passion of Christ” has died.

A hospital in Brazil’s Sao Paulo state confirms on its website the death of 27-year-old Tiago Klimeck. An autopsy is being performed Monday following his death the previous day.

The actor had been in a coma since the accident on Good Friday earlier this month in the city of Itarare.

Investigator Jose Victor Bacetti told the G1 news website Klimeck accidentally hanged himself during a scene in which his character Judas commits suicide. About four minutes passed before anyone noticed, believing he was playing his role.

Police are examining the security apparatus that was meant to support Klimeck during the scene. It’s unclear if any charges will be filed.

Eat shit Christian Bale! That’s how you commit to a role.

I’m tired of all these Hollywood types saying that they’re “method actors”. I remember reading an article online about how Christian Bale was living under bridges in Boston and shit when he was playing a meth head in “The Fighter”. And everybody lost their shit about it. Mark Wahlberg was talking about what an honor it was working with him, and how the cast had no idea where he was living, and how much weight he had lost, and how his hair was actually thinning and blah blah blah batman. People saying he was smoking meth during the shoots to help get into a mind frame of a drug addict. Fuck that. That isn’t method acting, that’s being a fucking bum who does meth. Any jackass could do meth, it’s just most of us don’t because we have standards/ can afford better drugs/ aren’t from St. Louis. And now we got Nic Cage’s crazy-ass saying he was wearing a voodoo mask to play a fucking skeleton that rides a motorcycle. That’s not method acting either, that’s just being bat-shit banana sandwich crazy. And yet for some reason every time I would explain this to some die-hard theater student they would lose their fucking mind and tell me how close-minded I was and how I knew nothing about acting, and how serious their major was.

Well enter Tiago Klimeck. Just curb stomping Christian Bale’s scrawny meth-addicted ass. Like, “Yeah bro, you smoked some meth for your role? I fucking killed myself for mine.” Now that’s method acting. I’ve heard tons of theater students say they would die to play a certain role in a certain play. Well, it’s time to put up or shut up now bitches, because Tiago Klimeck did just that. And you gotta respect the determination here. Just a true team player. Giving 110 percent to his role. It’s like when you see a player dive into the stands for a loose ball, you just gotta tip your cap to them. so Tiago Klimeck, I tip my cap to you.

PS. Where the hell was Tiago Klimeck during church when I was growing up? Church was boring as shit growing up. I mean honestly it was a struggle to stay awake through it when I was a kid. But if we had motherfuckers hanging themselves for plays and going balls to the wall to reproduce the Passion of the Christ I woulda been going to mass once a day and twice on Sundays. Shit I mighta become a priest is Tiago Klimeck was in my parish.

Happy 420 bitches

To everyone out there who has ever inhaled, I wanna wish you all a happy holiday. And in honor of the holiday, let me present my list of the definitive top five stoners of all time in movies/television.

5. The Monkey – Grandma’s Boy

I’m sure anyone reading this is probably thinking, “Rob, you’re retarded, Grandma’s Boy sucked, how could you include any character from that movie, I hate you stop writing.”To which I would reply, fair enough. You’re right, this movie was no Citizen Kane. This movie was never going to win any Academy Awards. But that’s the point. It was never supposed to. People take movies way too fucking seriously today. It’s like everybody expects every movie to be Schindler’s List or something. But if people could just sit down and watch this movie without any pretense they’d realize it’s fucking hilarious. Plus nobody can say that a monkey smoking weed playing Xbox isn’t fucking hilarious.

4. The Entire Cast of Half Baked – Half Baked

I guess I’m kind of cutting corners by choosing the entire cast of a movie, but fuck it, it’s my blog, I can do whatever the hell I want. Plus trying to choose your favorite stoner character from Half Baked is like trying to choose your favorite Beatle’s song. It’s pointless. Just so many classic moments from the movie. Thurgood going to rehab for weed. Brian bringing back Jerry Garcia from the dead. Any scene with The Guy in it. Any scene where Brian talks. But if I had to choose just one scene it would have to be when Scarface quits his job.

But then again…

3. Slater – Dazed and Confused

This is a hall of fame pick. Sure it might be a bit of a front-runner, but that’s the thing about front-runners; they’re front-runners for a reason. They’re front-runners because they win. I’ll take Slater on my 420 squad eight days a week. He’s just the complete package for a stoner. Completely out of it. Always babbling about some shit that he thinks is intellectual but is actually idiotic. The classic, “I don’t give a fuck” attitude. Slater definitely earned his spot on this list.

2. Ricky – Trailer Park Boys

This is a dark horse pick. I’m sure most people don’t even know who the hell Ricky is, or what Trailer Park Boys is, but that’s because they suck. This show is one of the funniest shows of all time and everyone who hasn’t watched it is missing out. And it’s all held together by Ricky. The lovable, borderline-retarded, constantly-high convict. Dude lives the life. Just growing/selling weed out of his trailer, stealing cable from his neighbors and knocking over parking meters for spare change. I honestly had a hard time keeping Ricky out of the top spot. Because Ricky gets it. Ricky understands that you can live your life without ever having to give in to the man. That is, so long as you’re willing to do multiple stints in jail.

1. Spicoli – Fast Times at Ridgemont High

There were so many ways I could’ve gone with my #1 pick. But ultimately you have to go with Spicoli. It’s like having Pujols hitting clean up. Hits for power. Hits for average. Plays the field with heart. Guy does it all. Hot boxing vans in the parking lot before school like it’s no big thing. Ordering pizzas to Mr. Hand’s Classroom for his munchies. Ripping bongs all day everyday. Plus he fucking tears up pipelines like it’s hits job. And as I’ve stated before, there is absolutely nothing cooler than someone who surfs. Spicoli fucking wins.

Honorable Mentions
Shorty – Scary Movie

Saul – Pineapple Express

And with that I’m ending what is most certainly the best list of stoners ever.

Now since I can’t fucking figure out how to get a music playlist onto this sight, enjoy yet another youtube link.

Happy Holidaze motherfuckers!

This Unnamed Women Is The Summation Of Everything I Wish I was


A public servant was “in the course of her employment” when she was injured while having sex in a motel room while on a work trip, a judge has ruled.

He set aside a decision refusing her workers’ compensation for facial and psychological injuries suffered when a glass light fitting came away from the wall above the bed as she was having sex with a male friend in November 2007.

The woman, who cannot be named, was in her late thirties and employed in the human relations section of a commonwealth government agency.

That evening, she met her friend for dinner before they had sex, during which the light fitting was pulled from its mount and fell on her.

In his statement, the man said they were “going hard” and he did not know if they bumped the light or if it “just fell off”.

“I think she was on her back when it happened, but I was not paying attention because we were rolling around.”

The tribunal had found: “The activity was not an ordinary incident of an overnight stay like showering, sleeping, eating, or returning to the place of residence from a social occasion elsewhere in the vicinity.

“Rather she was involved in a recreational activity which her employer had not induced, encouraged or countenanced.”

But Justice Nicholas said the fact that the employer did not encourage her to engage in sexual activity did not mean that it disapproved of her doing so.

If the applicant had been injured while playing a game of cards in her motel room she would have been entitled to compensation, even though it could not be said that her employer induced or encouraged her to engaged in such an activity,” he said.

I love you unnamed woman in her late thirties. If for any reason you ever decide to reveal your name, hit me up, I live at the Oaks Harmony Apartment Complex in Sydney and rarely rip out light fixtures during sex. We could make a great team.

But seriously. I’m in love. This girl is just snaking it until she makes it. Most kids think they’re hot shit skipping classes and sparknoting books for finals and whatnot. I remember telling all my friends how I had an English midterm this past semester on ten books that I had only read five of and how I got a 97 on it. I was ec-fucking-static. I thought I was King Shit. I walked around saying, “Yeah I got a 97 on the test and had no idea what I was talking about, no big deal.” Well this unnamed broad just fucking curb stomped my gay little story. Like, “Yeah bro? You sparknoted some shit? Sounds real cool, my boss is fucking paying me worker’s comp for getting banged out in a motel room.” That’d be like me telling my professor I couldn’t take my English midterm because I burned my finger while lighting my bowl last night, and him turning to me and saying, “Eh, fuck it, I’ll just give you an A.”

And never in the history of my life have I ever seen a bro completely own a news article in two lines. Just laughing and smugly telling a reporter, “We were going pretty hard.” No shit dude, you pulled out a goddamn light fixture. If that’s not an ego booster I don’t know what the hell is. I mean shit I’d be lucky if I could pull out a night light while banging, and this dude is straight ripping light fixtures out of walls injuring women and shit. And then just for good measure he adds the, “She may have been on her back, but I don’t fucking remember.” quote. You know he was trying not to laugh the entire time he was being interviewed. Goddamnit I love everything about this news story.

PS. The only hold up in my marrying my unnamed goddess is this whole “Psychological Injuries” thing. What in the fuck are psychological injuries? Does that mean she’s afraid to bang near light fixtures now? Does she walk into well-lit rooms and lose her shit? Cause my bedroom has like three lamps in it so this might be an issue.

Breaking News: People Will Soon Fuck Robots

The West

Brothels could feature in guidebooks in 40 years if the imagination of two researchers from New Zealand becomes reality.

Researchers Ian Yeoman and Michelle Mars of the Victoria Management School in Wellington envision that the sex industry will include android prostitutes by the year 2050.

Their research paper Robots, Men And Sex Tourism focuses on an imaginary popular brothel in Amsterdam’s red-light district called Yub-Yum, which is “modern and gleaming with about 100 scantily clad blondes and brunettes parading around in exotic G-strings and lingerie

The researchers predict the lifelike sex robots would offer people a guilt-free sexual experience devoid of sexually transmitted diseases. It could also stop the sex industry’s human trafficking and enable the profession to gain respectability, which would enable brothels to feature in guidebooks.

“All androids are made of bacteria-resistant fibre … guaranteeing no sexually transmitted diseases are transferred between consumers,” the researchers said.

Does anybody honestly have a better job than research scientists? Like seriously? These guys are spending their days writing hundred page papers on robots banging? And getting paid for it? This can’t be real. Growing up they teach you science is all about doing calculations and making potato light bulbs and shit, and you know what? Nobody fucking cares. You wanna know why if you ask any kid what they want to be when they grow up, not a single one of them will say, “I want to be a research scientist.”? Because they all had to make the fucking potato lightbulb for the science fair. But if when I was going through sixth grade some teacher had come up to me and was like, “Hey little Robby, you could either light up this room with all these random fucking vegetables we assorted, or you could make a fleshlight for the science fair, which do you prefer?” it would be a whole different story. I’d be in a white lab coat right now making millions researching how to bang inanimate objects instead of being a lazy, drunk unemployable writing major. I mean shit Middle School boys already jerk off absolutely everywhere so if you give them the option of incorporating that shit into their studies you’re just paving the way for academic excellence. All those people bitching about how America is falling in the world academic rankings? Problem solved, just make these kids build giant, bangable robots, and everything will be golden.

But on another note, do people really get paid for this? They’re researching that people will fuck robots. Sweet bro. And in fifty years you know what I say? I say that people will be able to shit rockets and fly. In fact I state further that in the future, I’ll own a country and be married to twelve separate Blake Lively clones. Now someone please pay me money to “research” these dumb ass theories and we can call this a day.

PS. Gotta love the whole, “All our androids are germ-free, and you won’t get anything from them and blah blah blah I’m taking my job too seriously.” Like yeah no shit your androids won’t give us STD’s bro, they’re fucking sex dolls. I’m pretty sure sticking your dick in any inanimate object outside of a bag of used syringes won’t give you any STD’s. So you can keep your $9,500 a night imaginary future iRobot hookers, and I’ll stick with the tube sock and Vaseline.

Wednesday Morning Wake-up

Sooo I haven’t posted in a while because, well because fuck you I was in Thailand that’s why.

I’m sitting here in my warm apartment in Sydney as it’s fucking monsooning outside watching my third straight hour of Kurt Russell movies and decided I should try and do something productive. Instead of, oh I don’t know, actually studying I decided to blog, because fuck it that should help me get a job some day right? Anyways all this rain out here in Sydney has me feeling more depressed than Rosie O’Donnell in a Victoria’s Secret changing room. So I decided today to make the two songs I wake up with some seriously un-depressing shit. If you can’t get happy when listening to these songs than you’re either:
A. An Asshole or
B. A Huge asshole.
And because I’m unoriginal the two songs have the same name. Whatever. Hope you all enjoy.

Happy Easter Everybody


This Easter weekend NOLA Brewing Co. will give away free beer. The catch? You have to find the beer first. On Saturday, April 7, the Tchoupitoulas Street brewery hosts its 4th annual Easter Keg Hunt.Teams of 2–6 people will gather at the Howlin’ Wolf (907 S. Peters St.) at noon. The first clue will be given out at 1 p.m., launching a scavenger hunt through the Warehouse District. The final stop will be a party featuring singer Colin Lake and the full line-up of NOLA beers. The entire race should take roughly two hours, but take your time. There is a special prize for the last team to arrive. Other prizes will be awarded for the best team name, team costume and individual costume.Teams can register online before April 6 for $12 per person. Space permitting, teams can also register in person on the day of the Easter Keg Hunt for $15 per person. All proceeds benefit the Gulf Restoration Network. The party ends at 7 p.m. For more information or to register, visit

Happy Easter everybody. I know I haven’t posted in over a week, but in my defense I do actually have to go to school in Australia, and they do actually assign work. Now you might be saying, “Rob, stop bitching, everybody has work that they have to handle.”. That would be true, but after procrastinating and heavily drinking fro two straight months, that work tends to really sneak up on you. But I digress.

The reason for this post is for everybody reading to take a moment to reflect on whatever it is that over the past year has given you any reason to be thankful. Any small moment. Maybe you lucked your way into a job you had no right getting because you’re an illiterate english major (see: Pursell, Robert), maybe you met that special someone or maybe you managed to make it a full year without getting arrested (see: Not Pursell, Robert). It doesn’t have to be anything major. Just think back on whatever gave you some small feeling of happiness and recognize all the factors behind that moment and understand that alot of times we all are much luckier than we realize.

Growing up I always loved easter for two reasons. The first was that I always got the Monday after it off from school (Catholic School!), and the second was because I got a shit load of chocolate from the Easter Bunny (To any jewish readers, I don’t know what, if anything, you guys did for fun, but for the sake of this article try and put yourself in my shoes). I looked forward to getting together with my family for annual easter egg hunts, and sprinting through back yards like elementary school crack heads chasing chocolate, searching for those elusive plastic eggs. As I grew up I obviously stopped participating in those easter egg hunts because I could no longer run continuously for longer than twenty seconds and because a high school kid fighting for easter eggs with 5-year-old kids is a little off putting. But in my mind I always wanted to find something to replace that tradition.

Well now I have found it. Enter NOLA brewing company with another reason to be thankful on easter, and with another reminder of why New Orleans is cooler than every other city. Easter keg hunts. It’s such a beautifully simple idea. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of it earlier. Hide a Keg. Go run around and search for the keg. Winner gets to keep it. Boom. All the fun of childhood easter egg hunts (again, Jewish readers, stay with me here) with none of the innocence.

So I hope you all take today as a day to be thankful for whatever has made you happy over the past year, and try and find some way to recapture all the fun of something as simple childhood easter egg hunts. It doesn’t need to be hiding a full keg, but find some way to incorporate a little bit of fun in your life today to remind yourself of just how lucky you are. I know that I have been incredibly blessed to be able to come out to Australia and spend my time with an amazing group of kids, so I plan on spending my easter getting stupid drunk with them and making some irresponsible choices. Here’s to you guys hopefully doing the same.

Oh, and I’m in Thailand bitches.

Suck it.

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