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Breaking News: Tim Duncan Old, Still Boring As Fuck


Apparently, the official reason for Duncan sitting was his age. After 15 seasons, Duncan was listed as a DND-Old. The “DND” stands for “Did Not Dress.” The “OLD” represents the 1,097 regular-season games that Duncan has logged.

It was the second day off during the condensed season for Duncan, who still managed to receive a technical foul from the bench.

Referee Josh Tiven handed Duncan a technical foul in the first half for unwelcome comments after Manu Ginobili fell hard on a drive to the basket but didn’t receive a call. This isn’t the first time that Duncan has been T’d up while on the sidelines. During a game against Dallas back in 2007, referee Joey Crawford — who was also working Sunday’s Spurs-Sixers game — ejected Duncan for laughing from the bench. Crawford was suspended for the altercation.

Does anybody actually like Tim Duncan? Like honestly really like Tim Duncan? I don’t mean people saying, “Tim Duncan is the best power forward ever. He’s so fundamentally sound.” I mean if when asked to name a favorite NBA player, has anyone in the history of ever replied with, “I fucking love Tim Duncan.” The answer has to be no, right? Growing up all I did was play basketball, and to my knowledge not a single one of my friends had a fucking Tim Duncan poster on their wall. Everyone had Kobe, Shaw, AI. I had Pierce and Antoine Walker all over mine. But not a fucking one had Tim Duncan.

Because nobody fucking likes Tim Duncan. Watching him is about as exciting as watching bread rise. I know people are like, “But he’s so fundamental!” No shit he’s fundamental. His nickname is The Big Fundamental. You wanna know who else plays really good fundamental basketball? The WNBA. Wanna know how many people care about the WNBA? Zero, because it fucking sucks.

People want excitement. They want appeal. They want something sexy. That’s why everyone loves Blake Griffin. It doesn’t matter if he shoots free throws with less accuracy than Hellen Keller at a shooting range, because he can jump 18 fucking feet high and dunk over Kias and shit. You wanna know another big man who people like? Wilt Chamberlain. You know why? Because he banged fucking 20,000 different women. Wilt Chamberlain was sex. I mean look at him, the dude just oozed sex appeal:

Tim Duncan, meanwhile, has the sexual appeal of Larry King. Women find him about as sexual as patio furniture. But if you ask about 80% of the female population that was living in Philadelphia between the years of 1959 and 1973 you want to know what they would say about Wilt Chamberlain? That dude fucking invented sex. I mean I’m sure he has a bunch of very close female friends who all would say he’s, “a great guy” but would gladly blow him off to bang Blake Griffin in a second. Why? Because Tim Duncan is about as exhilarating as a bottle of Ambien and smooth jazz. I mean look at him, the dude looks like the forty year old virgin:

Tim. It’s time to call it quits. Nobody likes you, and nobody ever has. Your tattoo is wack as fuck and your own team is telling you you’re too old. It’s time. Nobody is debating you aren’t one of the all-time greats. Nobody is saying you didn’t anchor a dynasty and earn all three of those rings. But please, get the fuck out of the league so I can watch Blake Griffin try and dunk over 8 defenders and a dump truck.


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4 thoughts on “Breaking News: Tim Duncan Old, Still Boring As Fuck


  2. Justin on said:

    First of all it’s 4 rings and your column was boring as fuck and Antoine walker was wack as fuck

  3. Mister D on said:

    You know who has tim duncan posters on their walls, every fucken person in san antonio ass hole. We love him, and we don’t give a shit a shit who the hell thinks he’s boring, because he’s going to win us our fifth championship in 13 years.

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